


Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

by EstelUndomiel (capn_cecil_ang)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:49:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1962672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capn_cecil_ang/pseuds/EstelUndomiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am a huge fan of LOTR and there is this poem Tolkien wrote about Aragorn and I was thinking about it and I was like: "Damn! It really fits for Castiel too!" - more or less. So I decided to make the hiatus on SPN more bearable for me and write my own thoughts on how will Cas deal with his humanity and how it will affect Winchesters and so on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All that is gold does not glitter

**Author's Note:**

> As stated, writen during hellatus 2013. I own nothing but my weird ideas and assoctiation. All rights reserved to SPN creators and J.R.R. Tolkien ♥
> 
> I was working with known sneak peeks. Every other similarity with new characters or situations are coincidental.
> 
> Also "Life is a bitch and then you don't die" is some kind of prologue to this but it's not necessary to read it, if you don't want to.

I am standing in the middle of deserted glade somewhere in the foreign forest watching the stars fall. At least people would probably think they are stars. But I know better. They are angels, my brothers and sisters. I know better, because I am the one responsible for their fall. Again I’ve wanted to redeem my past actions, my mistakes and again I ended up destroying so much more. Why have they even saved me from Purgatory? I belonged there. It was the only place I couldn’t do much worse. And still they have saved me, gave me another chance. And I failed ... again.

            I’m watching my brothers and sisters fall and I feel warmth on my face as the tears are streaming down. If I only had the power to go back in time to change everything to better, to set everything right. But I can’t. I don’t have that power anymore. I don’t have any power. I am truly, completely human. I feel cold night wind blowing through my clothes and I feel sore from my fall. Of course, I have experienced this before. I was human briefly before Apocalypse. But now. Now it seems terminal. And it also seems sad. For the first time I’m experiencing the whole scale of human emotions. And I can’t say I envy humans for having them. It feels like a heavy burden is clinched to my heart and I can’t get rid of it. I feel sadness as I watch that beauty which is former angels come crashing down the Earth’s surface. I feel regret for my actions. And I feel anger against Metatron. But mostly, I feel anger against myself. If I have just listened. If I have not been so hasty. If I have just taken the advices which were given to me, it all would have ended better.

            But I didn’t. I was obstinate, impetuous and self-centred. A stupid child, as Dean would say. I smile when I think of him. He was also the one who tried to give me a good speech. And I still remember times when it was on the contrary. I guess Hester was right. The first time I laid my hand on Dean in Hell I was lost. It was in this moment when my doubts and questions started. And not long after that I rebelled against Heaven, against my own family, my own home. Because of him and for him. I choose a free will.

            But what have I accomplished with it? I’ve destroyed so much more than all angels together during past two millenniums. I’ve destroyed everything I’ve decided to fight for in the first place. So what am I fighting for now? What have left for me to rely on? Father has left the building long time ago. What should I believe in anymore? Where is my faith?

            I feel completely lost. For the first time in my long life I feel lost and helpless. And I don’t know what to do. Is this what it takes to be a human?

            “Castiel,” I hear the low voice sounds behind me. I turn and I see one of my brothers standing in front of me.

“Damael,” I exclaim with mixed feelings. I am relieved to see my brother all right but I see in his eyes he is not so pleased he sees me.

“What have you done?” Damael demands.

“I,” I want to explain but my brother doesn’t seem willing to hear it apparently. Instead he pulls out his angel blade and is approaching me, death in his eyes.

“Brother, please,” I’m trying to be reasonable but I hope for much. My brothers were never reasonable. They are soldiers after all. All they know is to fight. I must laugh ironically in my mind because it reminds me myself just few moments ago – stab first, ask questions later – and where did it lead us?

At least I didn’t forget all my fighting skills. And I still have an angel blade of my own. Of course, it is the last thing I want, to kill another one of my kin. But what can I do? The human instinct to survive screams in my head loudly. It is funny how quickly one assimilates. I’m trying to dodge from the blows my brother sends my way but eventually he hits me. For a moment I am surprised how strong he is. I never noticed it fully, but angels really are powerful beings, even without their wings. Another moment and I feel a sharp pain in my gut as I am sent flying over to nearest tree. I’m trying to stand up but I feel week. The blood is leaving my body too quickly. How fragile humans are. I have never realised this fully either. And now, I’m coming aware of so many things. At the edge of my life.

Is this it? Is this the end of my human life? It didn’t last long. And I was just getting grip on it. Might I dare to say I would maybe even like it. But my brother is already standing above me, hand stretched as he is about to hit me with final stab. I’m looking into his eyes, surrendering. Apparently he really doesn’t want to know the answer to his question. I close my eyes waiting for the final hit. It seems too long. As if Damael would be hesitating. Is there a flinch of humanity in him? Is it even possible for angels to be human? I don’t think so. As Dean once said: _“The Angels, they don’t care. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just breaks them apart.”_ And he was right. I’ve tried. I’ve tried really hard, and where did I end up? I’ve done more bad than good. But it is not of import now. I am waiting for my last judgment and I accept my death. I will be able to rest in peace finally.

But the long awaited final hit never came. I open my eyes as I hear the rustling noise somewhere close and I see another of my brother standing behind Damael, stabbing him trough the chest. And my eyes went shut from the lack of blood in my body.

*****

I feel the warmth filling my body. I feel light again and my body stops aching. Is this death? Am I leaving my body? Where will I go? To the Hell? To the Heaven? After all I’ve done? Will they accept me there? Will I have a home again?

But when I open my eyes I am still on the border of that foreign forest, there is still night and my brother, Abel, is standing over me.

“Come,” he says as he is pulling me up on my feet. “We must go! There are more of them here. And they’re not all that friendly as I am.”

I am trying to keep up with Abel’s pace as my body still feels a bit sore. He healed my wound but I feel exhausted and tired. Probably another “perk” of being human.

“Abel,” I exclaimed trying to catch my breath as I’m leaning over one of the trees. “I can’t go any further.” I am breathing heavily.

Abel looks me over and then he examines the surrounding carefully. “Very well,” he says quietly. “It seems we are deep in the forest now. They shouldn’t be able to find us for a while.”

I am sliding down against the tree, sitting on the wet moss. I am so exhausted I don’t really care about anything. I feel Abel’s eyes on me. “Why did you help me?” I ask.

Abel doesn’t answer. I open my half closed eyes and looked at him curiously.

He smiled a little and said: “There are still some of us, who believe in you, Castiel. You have done much since Father has gone. Most of it didn’t end up very well. But your intentions were always good. Your heart was always in the right place. I believe you can still change the course of the future. You can still make amends. And I am willing to help you as much as I can, brother.”

I reciprocate him a small sad smile and close my eyes again.

“Rest now. You need to gather your strength as you are not one of us anymore. I will watch over you.”

The last words fade away silently as I drift off and for the first time in long time I’m dreaming.

“You may not be the angel anymore, but you are stronger than many of us.” I hear Abel’s voice mixing with my thoughts and I am not sure if he really said it or it is already a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you wondered how I came up with the names of other angels, here you go:  
> http://www.angels365.com/angelinfo.asp?ID=526&Submit=View+Details  
> http://www.angels365.com/angelinfo.asp?ID=390&Submit=View+Details


	2. Not all those who wander are lost

       I feel someone is shaking me slightly. I open my eyes still blurry from the dreams and I see the silhouette of Abel leaning over me.

“Wake up. We need to go.” he whispers.

“What? What is happening?” I ask still sleepy, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I’m trying to stand up.

“They’re close. Other angels. We need to move.”

I don’t ask more questions. Abel is still an angel and that means though he has not his wings he has his powers and he senses the others. If he says they’re close I believe him. He saved my life after all.

I am trying to keep pace with Abel but I still feel quite exhausted. It is still dark so that means I wasn’t sleeping too long. We are running silently for a while yet, when suddenly Abel stops, holding a hand up to warn me I should not proceed. We hide under the rife bushes which seem to be growing all over the place here and we hear two angels talking. Abel looks at me with meaningful stare.

“I can hold them off,” he says but I already know what he’s thinking of. I don’t need to read minds to know how the soldiers think. How my brothers think. Abel draws out his angel blade and before he marches off I put a hand on his shoulder stopping him yet for a little while. He looks over me questioning, but as soon as he sees my look, his face softens in understanding.

“Thank you,” I say.

Abel just nods and smiles a bit. It is strange to see an angel smile. It is unusual, but still it is nice. They should be doing it more often. I look over my brother one last time and nod too. I know what he is about to do and I know he would probably not survive it. But he’s doing it for me. He’s giving me another chance. One last chance to change everything, to make amends. And now I’m planning to follow through it. I will not let him down. I will not let me down. I know I can do it and I will.

            Abel marches against the direction where the two angels are going and I turn the other side running away as silently as I can, trying to hide under the veil of night. I hear noises of fight behind me but I don’t pay attention to it. I am proceeding further, trying to find the way out of this God forsaken forest. Funny how fast I am embracing human’s dictionary. But then again, I spend four years with Winchesters. Of course I picked up a thing or two. Still I must laugh a little on that idiom. God forsaken forest. Taking into consideration that God left us all long time ago we should say everything is God forsaken, isn’t it? And still, we go on. We still find a reason to fight and to carry on. Because there is still something to fight for. Thought it is only the idea. The idea that there is still good in this world maybe.

*****

            The sun is rising and I finally see the edge of the forest. I hear nothing but the sound of birds waking up and the rustling of the leaves in the morning wind. I skirmish around after another angels but I can’t see any of them. I just hope there are none. I am really not in the condition to fight.

            I’m not sure if it is the safest to walk alongside the road, but I have to get to town somehow and I can’t walk all the way. In the end, I don’t really know where I am right now. I think I will need to take that risk.

            I am walking for about few hours already and no car haven’t passed by yet. At least I haven’t seen any vengeful angels either. My mind dreams away about Abel and his fate. Will I ever see him again? I wish I could help him somehow, after what he has done for me. But he knew what he’s assigned for. I am still surprised he was willing to help me. To stand against our brothers and sisters. But then again, he was always inclined to my ideas, to my decisions. He knew I was trying to do the best thing. And so did he. He tried to do the best thing he could. I just wish I will not let him down. Maybe it is not impossible for angels to care. They just need a good reason to start. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they can be thought a free will. Though for what price?

*****

            I am deeply in thoughts when the sound of the horn startles me. I jump a bit from the sudden sound and look to the direction of the source. The red van is approaching me, a young pair sitting in it. It’s starting to slow down as the woman on the shotgun seat is rolling down her window.

“Are you alright, sir?” her voice is sweet and happy. I believe they have just married. They are probably on their way to honeymoon or something similar.

“Well. I would use a ride, if you don’t mind,” I say and I see woman smiling at me.

“Sure, hop in,” the young man behind the wheel says.

I “hop in”, as he stated and I’m suddenly on the back seat of the red van enjoying the nature behind the window. Or at least I’m acting like I do.

“So, where are you heading to, buddy?” man says as he looks me over in the rear window.

“I don’t have an exact purpose. I will go wherever you go. Just drop me off in the nearest town, please.” I say looking over the car. They seem to be packed for a long trip – maybe a road trip? There is a little cross hanging over the rear window. Suddenly I hear the woman voice said:

“Are you ok, sir?” she was probably demanding my attention before.

“Yes. I am. I’m sorry. I must have been lost in my thoughts.” I pause a bit as I scrutinize the woman. She is young, maybe something over 25. Her right hand has a ring on it. So my assumption was right and they are married.

“I was asking on your name, sir,” she said turned to me, smiling frankly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Castiel. Cas, actually.”

She frowns a little. “That is ... very unusual name.” she says.

“It is a name of the angel.”

‘The former angel,’ I add in my thoughts.

“Oh, that’s a beautiful name.”

“Thank you,” I say solemnly.

“My name is Grace and this is my husband Jonathan,” she says extending her hand to me. I shake it firmly and smile a bit. “Are you a religious person, Castiel?”

I cast down my eyes breathing out a long sigh. “I used to be. Not long ago.” I say.

I look up at her and saw sadness in her eyes. She would like to help me, to comfort me. I can see it in her eyes. But she can’t. And I don’t want to talk about it now.

“Are you ...on your honeymoons?” I rather ask to keep the conversation going elsewhere.

“Yes, we are,” she smiles bright. “How did you know?”

“Just ...a lucky guess.”

“And what about you, buddy? What’s your purpose?” Jonathan asks.

I frown a bit. What is my purpose? To avenge my kin? To get back to Heaven? To find Dean and Sam?

“I ... I guess I just need a new start.” I say finally.

There is a silence for a while and then we get back to the topics about each other past, family and future. Of course I can’t say those people my true purpose but I find myself thinking about it hardly. Though it keeps me wondered how easy I am able to lie to him and obscure about the facts of my past, present and future. I guess it’s something what comes naturally to humans. But I shouldn’t be that surprised. After all, I have picked a thing or two during my time spent here. I remember the day when I was asking Dean why should we lie to that police officer. His answer still sticks in my head: “Because that’s how you become president.” I smile a bit on the thought. But then again, not a year after I was a master of lying. I lied to the angels, hide my agendas, I lied to Bobby, to Sam and I lied to Dean too. Though he didn’t want to see that. He was so devoted. He never believed it truly. Until he saw it for himself. I used to lie a lot. So it shouldn’t be so surprising for me that I can still do it quite easy. I guess it’s the skill which doesn’t rust with time. Though it keeps me wonder how much easier it is as against telling the truth. I must say I quite understand Dean and Sam, when they keep some things away from the other. Sometimes the other doesn’t need to know, for their own sake.

*****

            It is not long, maybe a half of an hour and we are entering the town. I read the sign – we are in Hudson. So Hudson be it. I need to start somewhere. We stop at the gas station all of us getting out of the car. Jonathan is going to the pump and filling the car with petrol. Grace is standing next to me.

“I will be going now,” I say looking onto Grace. “Thank you for your help.”

“Wait,” she grabs me gently by the shoulder. “You look exhausted and ... well, you look like you need a shower.” she smiled with an understanding smile.

I look myself over and nod. She is right. I didn’t realise it but my clothes are all dirty and a bit smelly. And I feel my stomach’s rumbling.

“Here,” she says pulling out some money from her purse. “Take these. We won’t need them as much as you do.”

“I ... I cannot accept this,” I shake my head.

Jonathan comes to her putting a hand around her shoulder. “Take it, buddy. You can’t wander around without no purpose and no money.”

I look down for a while and I decide. I am trusting Abel’s words as I have trusted him. I am strong enough to made amends. I am strong enough to bring my kin back to Heaven. I am strong enough to put it all back together like it was before. Not just before Metatron, also before the civil war, before the Apocalypse. Before we have put our feet on the Earth. And I am going to do it.

I accept the money the young pair is giving me thanking them for their help. It is then when I noticed the pregnancy belly. I shake the hands of both of them one more time and say:

“Thank you, for everything. Let your child be blessed!”

Grace looks over Jonathan and says with smile: “Honey, what you say about, if the child will be boy, we will name him Castiel?”

“Great idea, honey,” Jonathan says as he put a little peck on Grace’s cheek. “I believe he will do much good.”

I smile genuinely, for the first time in a long time.

“We hope you will find your faith again soon, Cas,” Grace said grabbing me by the shoulder one last time and squeezing it comfortingly.

I smile and nod. “I have already done. I have found a faith in humanity.”

We say goodbye to each other and I’m watching them leave. I will probably never see them again too. And I’m starting to realise how it works in human life. Some people you may know for a while, some people for a months or years, some will leave, some you will leave or let go, only few will stay with you until the end. But it is not of importance how long you know them. What counts is their acts and how they change your life while being in it. And Grace and Jonathan definitely changed my, though I knew them only for a while. They have helped me to embrace my purpose.


	3. The old that is strong does not wither

        It took me some time to assimilate completely. It would probably help if I had Sam and Dean next by my side. They would surely help me. But unfortunately, soon after Jonathan and Grace left I found out my cell phone broke during my fall. Funny as it is – I am human but at the same time I am completely isolated from them. I still feel like an alien or something. I did not understand human ways completely and I believe I never will. But I also believe I have made a big progress considering I am on my own only about a month or two.

        And maybe it’s better this way. I mean, that I am on my own. That I am not with Sam and Dean. At least, they are safe. I am still hunted, since most of my kin think their fall is my fault. And I don’t blame them. It is my fault, after all.

        But life as a refugee isn’t very easy. I am trying to be more or less constantly on the move, I’m not staying in any town more than a week. I’m trying to earn some money by making a waiter in small bistros around the towns I am driving through. It took me some time to figure out how should I do it to avoid broken cups and angry customers, but my first employer was nice enough to understand and show me through. Or maybe she was just too desperate for any help and I was better than nobody. Though I still think I have made her more damage than profit, I don’t question it. I do not look back. I’m going forward and I keep focusing on my purpose.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        It is a lonely life – I understand now. Sam and Dean are lucky to have each other. Of course I miss them sometimes. We were friends after all. We’ve been through much together. But I don’t try to contact them. They sure have their own problems and I would be only the burden for them now. What could I do for them now? Stack the laundry? Well yes, I can do that now too. It took me some time to figure it all out. Basic things like doing laundry, flushing toilet, making food for one self – things you don’t really think about because they are so natural for you. Well for me it was all knew. I felt like a fish struggling on the dry land. I was left alone to figure out everything by myself. I can take it as accomplishment, in my honest opinion, that I did figure it out for such a short time. Of course, there is still much for me to learn and understand. Some aspects of human life will maybe never be natural for me. But I can survive with what I know for now and that’s enough to keep me going.

        I’m straightening my plaid dark blue and black shirt and taking the order from the kitchen. I am heading to the customers and placing their orders in front of them smiling a bit. I noticed that when I smile on customers, they tend to leave me a bigger tip. It is very interesting how human behaviour works. Like for example that woman on the bar stool who is eye-balling me since she came. She also sends the smiles and winks my way from time to time. I’m not sure what is her objective, but she’s reminding me that girl from brothel, whose father left because he hated his work at the post office.

“She would like to fornicate with you, brother,” I hear a soft woman’s voice behind me.

I turn and I am paralyzed with fright. One of my sisters is standing in front of me. I don’t suppose she would like to start a fight in full bar, but I am not sure. She would smite me in seconds if she decided. And I don’t even have my angel blade with me – not that it would be much of help against a full powered angel.

“You don’t need to worry, brother,” she said. “I didn’t come to hurt you.”

“So why have you come then, Ayil?” I ask nervously skirmishing around for the closest exit.

“I assure you, I haven’t the slightest idea you would be here, Castiel.”

I’m still not sure I believe her. “Why are you here, then?”

“Frankly?” she sighed. “Just to have some fun and few drinks.”

I narrow my eyes. This seems very suspicious. I would maybe believe anything else but this? Since when angels want to have fun?

“Look, Castiel. I know you don’t believe me, but here we are, all of us, on Earth. And we don’t have our wings. Not all of us are vengeful, not all of us are angry. Some of us, like me for example, we're just assimilating – like you are. We want to blend in, to enjoy this life until we can. Until something will change, maybe. I am sick of fighting. I know I am soldier and I have always been. But we have a chance for new life, for normal life. Why not to seize it? I just want to live – that’s all. Don’t you want the same thing, Castiel?”

She sounds reasonable. I nod and smile a little. “Well then, what can I bring for you?”

I wait until Ayil orders and go back to my work. I believe her, but I will not stay here anymore. If she is here, many others may be too. They may still feel her grace and the others may not be so easy going as Ayil is. I will finish my shift and tomorrow I will be on the road again.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Ayil ate her meal and drank a few drinks and left. She seemed to assimilate quite well. I still have doubts about her presence but it is not long since my shift will be over and then I will go on the first bus to next town.

               I am about to take dirty dishes to kitchen when I rest my eyes on that young woman who were sending me those sensual smiles all the night. I see she is not alone anymore – apparently she was tired of waiting. But when the guy she is with turns around I freeze in my tracks. My heart is beating fast and I can’t move. The guy’s eyes meet with mines and I see the clear shock on his freckled face. It is Dean. Dean Winchester. Of all towns around Nebraska and of all bistros in Kearny, Dean has to come in here. We stare at each other for a little while when the young woman starts to demand Dean’s attention again and he is forced to turn for a second.

        I use this time to sneak to the kitchen, hiding. Fortunately, my shift just ended so I am about to head home – well, better say, to the shabby motel room. I don’t have home anymore. I don’t have family or friends. But I am good with it. It is better as if they would be in danger because of me. I put on my old trench coat – yes, I still have it, though I don’t wear it nonstop. But it kind of grew on me so I really didn’t have heart to throw it away. I washed it carefully and I'm using it in a cold weather as is now. I am going to the back exit – I don’t want to meet Dean. But as I am entering the dark cold side alley strong arms grab my collar and I am forced to the wall.

“Dammit, Cas! What the hell?” I hear Dean's gruff voice. Of course he went to back exit. Of course he knew what I will do. I am so predictable I am honestly surprised the angels haven’t caught me already.

Dean lets me go and turns from me for a while, letting his hand go through his spiky hair.

“I thought you were dead.” he says quietly.

I am thinking about what to say. I don’t know where to start, or even how to say it.

“I mean, come one,” he turns to face me. “You could at least pick a phone, man! We were worried about you. I was worried about you. Dammit, Cas! I have prayed to you, every night. And you bolted us... me... oh wait, why am I surprised, right?” he throws his hands in defeat. “It is so typical of you. Something goes wrong, I am out of here. Without a word.”

“Dean,” I try to say something but he’s not listening – speaking about typical habits...

“I would punch you if I didn’t know that I would break my hand then. You son of a bitch, Cas!”

“Dean!” I exclaim and I feel my voice break.

It was hard to accept my faith but now, standing in front of Dean, I can’t force those words out of me. I don’t know why, I just feel as if I tell Dean, it will be final. I will be human, entirely and conclusively.

I look over Dean whose eyes are still full of anger, but I see also worry in them. Worry and pain. And guilt. It wasn’t there when I saw him last. Something must have happened. And I wasn’t there to help him, to be there for him. Because I was selfish. I thought he would be better off without me, he would be safer. But would he? Would he ever be safe?

“Cas?” Dean asks quietly as he looks over me and realises I am not entirely in my “trademark” clothes. I think he starts to understand.

“Dean I...” I am about to say it out loud, but I am cut off by the voice shouting:

“Samael, here he is!”

        My fears came true. Ayil’s grace probably drew more angels here. We are alone and defenceless, not able to teleport or to flee. So this is how it will all end? If only Dean wouldn’t be here. I accept my faith if this is what it should be. But Dean doesn’t deserve to die. Not like this.

“Dammit, Cas, run!” I hear Dean shouting behind me and when I turn around I see he is at the Impala. I am about to start running when one of the angels shows behind my back suddenly and he stabs me in the arm. I flinch and turn over to face him. He is about to stab me second time when I hear shooting and the angel falls down dead. Another shot and the other angel is shot in his leg kneeling down.

I hardly even see yet. The dark silhouette is coming closer to kneeling angel and shooting him in the head. He fell down dead and that’s the moment when I close my eyes too. Though I still can hear quick steps and those strong arms are holding me again, but now it is more gently then few minutes before.

“Cas... Cas, talk to me,” Dean demands. “Cas, you all right?”

I force myself to open my eyes slightly and I am starring in those two emerald one’s again. “It’s...” I cough up some blood. “It’s just a stretch, Dean.”

“Right. You will heal yourself, right?” I hear Dean saying but I feel he doesn’t really believe the words that just came from his mouth. He just doesn’t want to embrace the reality. Not until he will hear it on his own two ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angel's names:  
> Ayil - http://www.angels365.com/angelinfo.asp?ID=453  
> Samael - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samael


	4. Deep roots are not reached by the frost

 

        I wake up at the feeling of stinging pain spreading through my body. I open my eyes and I see those two emerald ones again.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean says with a little half smile on his face.

My head hurts slightly but it is nothing comparing to the pain I feel in my arm. I look down frowning and I see I am completely topless, my arm dressed skill-fully in the fresh bandage, little droplets of blood still leaking through slightly. I look over the room. We are in the motel room where I’ve lived for a past few days. I finally look upon Dean whose eyes are still full of anger but there is also a bit of concern in them.

“Thank you,” I say quietly as I look down to my wound once again.

Dean just nods and tosses me a new shirt. “Here, take this. We need to go.”

“Dean,” I say trying to stand up but I falter as the pain in my arm strikes again. Dean is immediately next to me supporting me with his weight. I stand up slowly looking into those eyes; suddenly washed away of all anger that filled them just seconds ago.

“You ok, Cas?” he asks.

“Yes.” I pause to take a long breath. “I will live. As I said. It’s only a stretch.”

Dean makes that half smile again and let go of my good arm still prepared to support me again if needed.

“Dean,” I start again, trying to suppress the pain I feel in the arm. “It’s not safe in here.”

“I know,” Dean murmurs reaching over the bag with packed stuff. “But I couldn’t drive you whole hour to the bunker. You would bleed out, Cas.”

I put on my shirt slowly still trying to ignore the pain. Dean obviously packed my things and is prepared to leave. “You coming?” he asks already in the doorway.

“Dean,” I’m finding hard to look him in the eyes as he turns and is approaching me. “I can’t.”

“What, Cas?” Dean asks standing already in front of me.

“You should go,” I say quietly. “You’re not safe here. You’re not safe ... with me.”

I stare on the ground as I hear Dean saying: “Dammit, Cas! Don’t say that Purgatory crap again! You’re going and that’s final!”

He places a comforting hand on my good shoulder and his voice softens: “I’m not going to loose you again. Understand?”

I finally gather up enough strength and look up onto his eyes. And all traces of former anger are gone. All I can see in them is devotion ... and determination. No, I couldn’t argue with that. Dean needs me. And I need him.

“Besides. Do I seem like I am much safer even without you?” Dean jokes and laughs a bit as he’s patting me on the shoulder friendly.

I smile a bit and nod. I look over my former dwelling one last time, sigh a bit and walk forward to Dean who is already on the parking lot loading my bag into the trunk.

                                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        We are driving quietly in the cold night for a while, when Dean glances over me and asks: “How is the shoulder?”

“Still painful ...but it’s better, I guess.”

Dean nods and for a while he is quiet again.

“So, are you...?” he asks but he can’t finish his question.

“Yes,” I answer instead, knowing what he’s asking.

“I’m sorry,” Dean gives me a long sorrowful look.

I nod and look out from the window. I can’t stand his gaze much longer. I can feel he thinks the part of this is his fault. As if he could stop me back then. He could tell me something what would change anything. But he couldn’t. No one could, because I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t listening to Dean, to Kevin, to Naomi. I was blindfolded, following Metatron and this is the cause. That’s no one to blame but me.

“So ... how did you kill those angels back there?” I ask turning back to Dean and trying to change the subject.

“Bullets made from angel blade. I guess it is familiar to you.”

“Right,” my gaze wanders to place where I was shot by Crowley with such exact gun not few months ago.

“Crowley gave us some tips,” Dean says.

“What do you mean?” I frown. “You’re working with Crowley?”

“Not exactly working like having him in our dungeon,” Dean smirks.

I can’t get used to that word.... dungeon. But Dean seems to be thrilled to have such a room in the bunker. Guess it’s better than that ping-pong table he wanted to install there.

“Have you cured him?”

“No,” Dean replies immediately. “Not entirely. Though he seems to show certain signs of humanity.”

I raise my eyebrow. “I guess it’s going mainstream, the thing with humanity.”

I hear Dean chuckle a bit. I look over him carefully and see genuine amusement on his usually worried face.

“Did I say something wrong?” I ask raising my eyebrow once again.

“No,” Dean is trying to catch his breath as he is now laughing incoercible. “It’s just ... I have never thought ... I would ever ... hear the word ‘mainstream’ coming from your mouth, Cas.”

I furrow my brows. “I ... I picked up some words from human dictionary while I was on my own.”

“I can see that,” Dean says calmer. “Way to go, Cas,” he glances at me and smiles.

I smile too. It is not often when I see Dean smiling genuinely so I decide to stay quiet for a while and savour the moment. And yet, after a while, though I don’t want to spoil the moment, I need to ask:

“Is Sam, alright? He wasn’t in the best shape when I saw him last.”

I see Dean’s hands stiffing on the wheel. He is angry again. Apparently something happened between them. As I said before, they are lucky to have each other, since the hunter’s life is lonely, but on the other hand it is also a burden... a curse some may say. Constantly watching over each other, sacrificing one for another. How many different decisions would they make only if they wouldn’t have been putting the other in front of themselves? I guess it’s just Winchester’s way. Or, how people have accustomed to say: It’s how Winchesters roll.

“He’s good.” I hear Dean’s low bitter voice saying. “It wasn’t easy, but I managed to get him together.”

“Is everything good between you two?” I can sense the guilt in Dean’s voice but I don’t want to push him further. He isn’t very good with sharing emotions. Maybe it’s something we have in common after all.

“He’s,” Dean starts but his voice break. He pulls over the car and gets out. I’m thinking for a while; maybe he wants to be alone. But then I decide to get out too. He needs me. After all, he said it himself. And when should I be standing next to his side if not now?  
I get out of Impala and slowly walk towards Dean, keeping in mind not get too close to him. I stand in the night, looking on his back as he is watching above, the dark cloudy sky.

“Do you think there will ever by stars again?” he asks.

I look up too and sigh.

“You know, I used to think,” Dean is talking so quietly I almost can’t hear him, “I used to think every star is the angel when I was little. And that they are watching us and guarding us.”

Dean pause for a while and we are savouring the silence which is surrounding us. “But now, since there are no angels in the Heaven, who would watch over us?”

“I guess we are on our own now,” I say also quietly as I look down to the ground. The sight of my former home is too painful for me.

“I guess you are right, Cas,” Dean says still looking up. “It’s just us. We need to keep an eye on each other now. And I’m trying the best I can to watch over for my little brother.”

“I know you do,” I place a comforting hand on Dean’s shoulder.

He turns to look at me and I see his eyes shimmering with tears. “He was dying, Cas,” he says. “He wanted to die... but I didn’t let him. I can’t lose him. Not again. Not after I lost everyone I’ve ever cared about. I can’t go through it again.” he lowers his head in defeat.

“I’m sure he understands,” I say trying to comfort my friend the best way I can.

“I gave him the demon blood, Cas,” I hear Dean sobs quietly and I’m not saying anything.

“We were in that abandon church in the middle of nowhere. And he was dying. And there was nothing, nothing I could do... There was... there was just Crowley. Sam wasn’t going to survive it. I saw that needles and I saw my brother lying on the ground next to Impala unconscious. I had to do it, Cas! He would die if I didn’t!”

I tighten my grip on Dean’s shoulder to comfort him more. “I’m sure he understands.”

He did a good thing. He saved his brother. He did it for greater good. I would do the same on his place. I don’t blame him. He is still a righteous man. He always has been and he always will be.

We stand there for a little longer, under the shadow of the near forest, nothing but Dean’s quiet sobs echoing in the late cold night.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        After a few more minutes of soundless undisturbed drive we reach the bunker. It is still deep night and we enter the bunker only to see Sam is still up doing some research. When he notices me his face brightens up.

“Cas,” ha exclaim as he is hurrying towards me, clamping me in his big arms.

“You’re alive! I’m so glad to see you, man! Where have you been?” Sam’s questions are bursting out of him one after another.

I groan a bit as I feel the pressure on my wounded shoulder and Sam quickly pulls away.

“You ok, man?”

“I’m... I’m fine, Sam,” I’m trying to collect myself. “It’s just a little scratch. It will get better in no time.”

“What happened?” Sam is shifting his gaze from me on Dean and backwards.

“I have met Cas in one of the bistros and two angel dicks came at us,” Dean says. “It’s all done, don’t worry about it,” he says quickly as he sees Sam’s face turned into more concerned expression.

“But Cas...” Sam starts.

“He got stabbed,” Dean says.

“Why didn’t you heal yourself already?” Sam asks now fully locked his gaze with mine.

I glance over Dean whose eyes are full of sorrow again and then back at Sam’s concerned look. “I can’t,” I say seeing Sam frowning in confusion. “I am human, Sam.” I finish.

There, I said it. It wasn’t that hard in the end. Maybe I coped with it already. And maybe, maybe it was hard to say only to Dean. Because I knew how it would crush him. Of course, Sam was sorry for me too, but Dean... I can’t shake off the feeling he thinks it is somehow his fault.

“It will be ok, Cas.” I hear Sam says as he places a comforting hand on my shoulder. “We will help you to get better. I promise.” he smiles a bit and I smile too in reply, though my smile is more a sad crease of my face features.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The next two days are really painful for me. Not because of the wound. That is actually getting better. Sam managed to find me some pain killers so most of the time I don’t notice the pain anymore. But my pain is mental. Sam is usually doing some research, from time to time he goes to check out on Crowley. Dean is mostly out, trying to find some case to kill the time or he’s just driving around the town I suppose. When those two are together, there is evident tension between them. Sam seems to be alright physically too, but I don’t think he already forgave Dean for what he’s done.

And I understand him. He wanted to die. He gave up and he just wanted all of it to be over. He didn’t want Dean to save him. But he did, because he always does. He always tries. In fact, I understand Sam quite good. I can identify with his feelings. I was there, not long ago. I didn’t want Dean to save me. But he did in spite of that.

And what am I supposed to do now? I can’t go on the hunt with Dean, because I am injured. I can’t even go out because some angels might attack me. I’m helping Sam with research, but it would go much faster if we knew what we’re researching actually. Still, I believe, we’re just groping in the dark. And it is useless, as I am. Yes. I am completely and utterly useless for Winchesters.

                                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Another night I can’t sleep properly. Another night of me tossing and turning in the bed. Every time I close my eyes I see the angels falling. I see what I have done.

This is pointless. I get up from my bed and head to kitchen. Even Sam is already sleeping. Must be really late. I fill one glass with water and sit down on the chair. I open the lid of the vial and take one pill out. I rinse it down with water and I’m waiting for it to start to be affective. Though it doesn’t seem to be.

My arm is getting better, that’s truth. But still I’m experiencing occasional waves of sharp pain. And these pills Sam gave me seem to have no more affects on it.  
Maybe if I just take more of it. What could even happen? Well, maybe I would overdose myself. But still, what then? Would I be missed? Yes, for a while maybe. But eventually Sam and Dean would move on. They always do. It’s what they need to do. They can’t linger on the past. So why do I not simply do it. I am, after all, quite useless for them right now.

I’m still scrutinizing the vial as I notice a hand waving in front of me.

“Hello there. Earth’s calling Cas,” I hear Dean’s rough voice. “Oh. I’m sorry. I ... I didn’t mean it like that.” he says as he realises how he sounded.

“That’s alright,” I say as I look upon him. He must have just gotten back from the hunt.

He seems exhausted. But it’s not just that. He seems like a burden of many ages would lie upon his shoulders.

“So what were you thinking about?” he asks as he point out on the vial I’m still clutching in my hand. He sips from the beer he probably took out of the fridge when he came. I wonder how long he’s been here already. I must have been deep in my thoughts since I have never seen him coming.

“Cas?” he asks again, his voice slightly concerned.

I blink few times and realise Dean was actually asking me something. “I was thinking about killing myself.”

Dean spits his beer back to the bottle and starts choking. I frown a bit and walk to him. I have seen this before. I know what I should do. I punch Dean into the back few times as he gets himself together.

“You ok?” I ask returning to my position on the chair in front of Dean.

“Yeah, thanks, man.” Dean says still slightly coughing. “I’m good. Are you?”

I frown a bit and narrow my eyes. “Of course I am.”

“Really?” Dean asks sarcastically. “Cause you’ve just told me you’re going suicidal, dude.”

“I didn’t,” I reply simply and I see Dean’s eyebrows rising. “I have said I was thinking about it. I’ve never said I am going to do it.”

This doesn’t seem to convince Dean very much. “Why the hell have you been even thinking about that, Cas? I thought you are over that Purgatory crap.”

“Dean, it’s...” I sigh heavily, “it’s not important,” I lower my eyes.

“Cas, look at me,” I hear Dean demands and I do as I’m asked.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

“It’s just. I was just wondering. If there will be any difference if I perish. I mean,” I pause for a little while to take a long breath. “I can’t help you with the hunt. I hardly can help Sam since we don’t even know what we’re doing most of the time... what we’re looking for. I just think,” I lower my eyes again as I can’t look into Dean’s while I will be saying this, “I just think I am a burden. And that you don’t need me anymore.”

I hear Dean stands up and a few silent steps and then I see a shadow casting over the floor next to me. I look up and I’m meeting with Dean’s eyes, again full of devotion and love.

“Cas,” he says quietly. “That’s a load of crap and you know it.”

I chuckle a bit. Of course, that’s typical Dean. “We still need you,” Dean continues. “It doesn’t matter if you are an angel, or God, or whatever else. It doesn’t matter if you are human.” he pauses and places a comforting hand on my wounded shoulder gently. “I’m not going to lie. The life as a human is not easy. You’ll get hurt, it will happen. And not just once. You’ll have to stow a lots of crap. But there’s one think that makes no difference.”

I give Dean a questioning look and I see that genuine smile on his face again, though now it is a bit sadder. “You may be a human, Cas, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are family.”

Yes. I wanted to die once. I wanted to let go. I didn’t want to be saved. But Dean saved me anyways. And now, now I can only thank him. I didn’t see it then but now I know my path didn’t end yet. I am much about to do yet. I am needed yet. And I think Sam will understand he is needed too soon and he will forgive his brother. He always does after all.

“Now,” I hear Dean says from a distance as I see he is on his side of table again, opening another beer. “You sure have some purpose, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I nod. “I would like to amend my actions and bring my brothers and sisters back to home.”

“Right,” Dean nods as he is sipping from his second beer. “Ok, cool. So that’s where we start. See, we have the goal now. We know what we are looking for. We’ll start research tomorrow. We’ll try to find your way back to Heaven. For all of you. I promise.”

I smile a bit as I see that spark in Dean’s eyes again. The spark he gets when he decides to get something done no matter what it’ll cause.

“See there,” he says grinning. “You are needed. We need you to get your ass back up there. You are the only one who can do this.”

“Yes. I keep hearing that.”

Dean sips from his beer again and grins. “It’s funny, how easily you pick up the human traits, by the way.”

I frown a bit and narrow my eyes again. “What do you mean?”

“That suicidal thing.” Dean answers. “It’s kind of a human thing. We think about it much. How would it look like without us here. Would we be missed. You know, such crap.”

“What makes you not to proceed with it?” I ask quizzically.

Dean gives me a long thoughtful look. “For me... for me it’s basically Sammy. I need to watch over him, no matter what.” I nod in understanding.

“For other people.” Dean sighs. “I guess it’s just as simple as finding something to live for, to fight for. You know, their purpose, their life goal. Something they can rely on even if everything else will fail.”

        We are sitting at that table yet quite a long time and when we are about to leave to our rooms to get at least a bit of rest, it is the first time since I’ve fallen that I have a peaceful uninterrupted sleep.


	5. From the ashes a fire shall be woken

 

        “Ok. So what are we looking for exactly?” Dean asks from his position in front of one of the big bookcases Men of Letters have in their bunker. We are in the library trying to figure out where to start, while Sam went downstairs to storeroom look for some possible mentions of cases with angelic activity.

“Well, basically anything what mentions angels. Truthfully?” I sigh. “I have no idea.”

“Right. Well, that should be easy,” Dean smirks ironically.

I stand up from the chair and approach Dean who is scrutinizing the bookcase trying to figure out what those weird symbols on the covers mean.

“Good you’ve decided to join me,” Dean tries to ease the atmosphere as he feels I am approaching him. “Maybe you should help me out here. Is anything of this Enochian?”

“Dean,” I say solemnly and Dean turns to face me catching my concerned look.

“Everything’s good, Cas?” he asks a bit worried.

“Yes,” I answer lowering my eyes a bit. “I just,” I breathe in and look at Dean fully. “I wanted to thank you for helping me.”

Dean frowns and licks his lips. “Sure thing, Cas. Why shouldn’t I?”

“It’s just,” I sigh lowering my eyes once more. “I know you would rather be out there hunting something than buried here with me and these useless books. I know you’re not really keen on researching.”

I feel a firm hand be placed on my shoulder and I look up seeing Dean smiling slightly.

“Don’t mention it, Cas. That’s what friends are for – to help each other.”

I smile a bit in reply and I feel Dean patting me on the shoulder friendly. “Ok then. Enough of this chick flick moment.” he turns back to the bookcase and says over his shoulder to me: “Well, see something familiar here? Cause I’m quite lost.”

                                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        We have managed to found some old books dealing with angels and their history, but nothing seems to be very helpful. Sam hasn’t been very lucky too. He hasn’t found any case dealing with our problem. Guess it would be probably because of the lack of angels on the Earth before Apocalypse. Of course Men of Letters haven’t had a chance to meet any of us – well, them. Sometimes I keep forgetting I’m not one of them anymore.

As I am listing through this old books in different languages from which some are not known even to me I’m coming across many things which remind me of my former home, my brothers and sisters. And it is still painful for me to remember I am not one of them anymore.

Yes, the Heaven in the last few years were corrupted and rotten. Even when Father was still there it wasn’t like we would sit on the fluffy clouds all day long. But it was bearable. Although since he left, there was only chaos and mayhem. And now? Now it is completely uninhabited. And it is only my fault.

“You alright, Cas?” I hear Sam’s voice from the other side of the table and I look up to meet his gaze. He and Dean are watching me worriedly, deep frowns on their faces.

“Yes, I’m fine. Why do you ask?” I’m watching them, narrowing my eyes.

“It’s just you’ve been starring on that picture for about fifteen minutes already.” Sam says.

“Oh, right,” I look down to glance over the picture in the book. “Yes I’ve,” I look up again, “I’ve just remembered something. It’s nothing, really.”

Dean narrows his eyes, still carefully examining me and after a while he shuts the book in front of him and exclaims loudly: “Ok then. I guess that’s enough for today. We’re not gonna find those answer tonight anyway. We should all go to get some sleep.”

It is then when I realise I am quite tired and sleepy. We had to be scanning those books at least half of a day. I can’t see outside since there are no windows in the library but I guess it’s already after dawn. I see Dean and Sam wrapping things up slowly and I decide to obey Dean’s advice and go to bed, even though for a little while.

As I am passing over Sam I feel a hand gripping me firmly by the shoulder. I turn to Sam and see that concerned look on his face again.

“You know, you can talk to us if you need to, right, Cas?” he says.

Sam was always that worried one. Of course, Dean worries much too, maybe even more than Sam. After all, it is also Sam who Dean needs to worry about. Dean is just, his not that good in showing he’s emotions. Sam on the other hand – he hasn’t a problem to talk about it and shows it frequently.

I nod and smile a bit as I’m replying: “Thank you Sam. I will take that into consideration. Good night.”

“Good night, Cas,” he says as he’s letting me go and turning to go to his own room.  
I’m approaching my room hoping this night will be more peaceful and I will eventually get some sleep but my hopes went in vain as I am again tossing and turning this whole short time I am in bed, having nightmares about Heaven, Earth and everything in between.

                                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Another day of endless searching through those old dusty books in library. It’s starting to get very excruciating. I have already lost count of the days we are doing this. But it must be something over two weeks probably, because my wound has healed almost completely already. Dean or Sam, sometimes both of them, are leaving from time to time for some easy salt and burn hunt in neighbourhood, if needed. If they haven’t they would had probably already gone insane surrounded by those four walls – and loads of books. I know that, because I have almost gone crazy with it. Dean tried to pull me out to a bar one night, but of course the one time I leave the bunker some angels attack us, sooner than we reach the bar. We killed them of course, but we rather decided to lay low, just in case there were more of them. It was few days ago and nobody appeared since then, so I believe we are safe for now.

But still, I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. We have exactly nothing since we’ve started and it seems there isn’t anything useful in those books of Men of Letters. Well maybe there are some in those we can’t translate, but those are written in the languages even I don’t know. I am starting to lose hope. I don’t want to disappoint Abel and the others who believe in me, if there are some. I don’t want to disappoint Dean and Sam. But I don’t know how long can I go on like this.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        “Hey, Cas, wake up,” I hear mumbled voice from the distance. I feel the warm hand shaking me by the shoulder and I open my eyes realizing I had to fall asleep over those books. I rub my eyes to get rid of the sleep and look over to the sound of voice I’ve heard before a while.

“You should go to bed,” it is Dean’s voice. Dean is standing above me, his look concerned.

“Did you... did you just came back from the hunt?” I ask yawning.

Dean nods and says: “Sam went already to bed. I went to check on you and didn’t find you in your room. You should get some proper rest, Cas.”

I sigh heavily and stand up stumbling a bit as I am still quite sleepy. Dean grabs me by the shoulders firmly and looks me right in the eyes: “You alright, Cas?” he asks.

“Yes. I’m... I’m fine.” I reply.

“I don’t mean that.” Dean frowns again. Of course he notices my gloomy mood. After all, I haven’t been disguising it too much.

“I don’t know Dean,” I shook my head. “I just don’t think we can do it. It’s going for ages. And we still have squat.”

Dean smirks a bit on the choices of my words and tightened his grip on my shoulder to comfort me. He searches for my look and smiles softly: “I promised you to go the whole nine yards and I’m keeping my word, Cas. We’ll do it!”

I smile a bit in reply and nod. He really believes it. This is not just empty talk. He really has faith we will do it. And that fills me up with new hope and faith too. I will not disappoint anyone, not Dean, not Sam, not my kin, not me. We will do it together, as always.

I nod once more and send Dean another small smile wishing him good night and going back to my room.

                                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Is it night again? Oh I am really losing the track of time here. All three of us are sitting in the library again. We’ve been here, I guess the whole day. We tried to ask even Crowley if he doesn’t know anything, but he doesn’t. Not even Kevin can help us with those translations. I am looking through one of those big old leather books when I hear Sam’s voice full of anticipation from the other side of the table:

“Guys?”

Me and Dean snap out our heads up simultaneously as we look over Sam who is looking down to one of the books.

“I guess I found something.”

We´re both rushing to Sam’s side to see what is he talking about. I don’t want to be too excited, since it could be nothing, but I can’t help to feel relieved. I look over Sam’s shoulder into the book he’s reading, but I can’t see only some gibberish.

“It’s some ancient language,” Sam explains. “There is this key to translating it in this book over there,” he points to the other book lying on the table, “and if I have translated it correctly and I believe I did, I think we have some sort of solution... or we know where to start at least.”

“Ok then. What is it? Is it about how to get angels back to Heaven?” Dean asks.

“Well, not exactly.” Sam says looking at him. “I’m not saying it’s the bulls-eye or something, only something we can start working with.”

“Well then, what is it?” I am starting to be pretty impatient too.

“It’s a spell,” Sam says and looks over me grinning widely, “to get your grace back, Cas.”

 


	6. A light from the shadows shall spring

 

        A spell to get my grace back. How suitable. I couldn’t ask for anything better, right? Even though, there stands out one question. Do I want my grace back?

        I accustomed to being human during those few months and frankly, it is not that bad. Of course there are many negatives – pain, death, mortality, sickness, hangovers, doubts. But then again – there is also love, friendship, family, tasty food and drinks for starters. I’m not saying I am not missing being an angel. But it wasn’t very nice either. It was cruel, dirty, messy and in the last few years also chaotic and even more bloody. If I had a choice I guess I would chose a mortal life. Life of a pleasure and pain, but also life of calmness and dreams come true. Life of simple everyday problems and of simple everyday joys. Life without war and unnecessary death of my own kin.

        But that would be if I had a choice. And that I don’t have. If I want to bring my brothers and sisters back to Heaven I can’t possibly do it as human. I am too weak, too vulnerable. I need to get stronger. I need to get my grace back. I will never be able to defeat Metatron, but I will have a chance at least. Right now I am just an ant under his shoe. I need my grace if I want to stand up for my kin. I need it to get everything back to normal.

        “What have we got so far?” I ask Sam as I’m entering the library, another misty autumn morning outside.

“Well, me and Kevin... we have managed to translate half of the ingredients needed for spell. But some of them are really nasty things which are really hard to get. And since you’re not an angel anymore I don’t believe we will be able to get them any soon. I mean, you can’t teleport to China and get some bones from almost extinct species of dragon or something like that.”

“Yes. I believe you are right.” I answer quietly. It will be a lot harder than I thought. I don’t even know why I was thinking it would be easy. After all, it is not any common thing, trying to get angel’s grace back, right?

“Well, we need to start somewhere,” I say looking over Sam’s shoulder on ingredients. “We should start with those we are able to get and then we will focus on the rest.”

“I guess you are right.” Sam agrees. “Here are some you would be able to get quite easily. I will stay here translating the rest of it and I’ll call you if I’ll know more, ok?”

I nod and take a note from Sam’s hand. It is written all over, but most of the stuffs there are simple alchemistic things which are not so hard to find. I look over it carefully and fold it up placing it to my jeans’ pocket.

“Where you think you’re heading, Cas?” I hear the gruff voice behind me.

I turn and see Dean piercing me with his glare.

“To get ingredients for spell, of course.” I reply truthfully.

“Just like that? Alone? And unarmed?” Dean’s eyes narrowed.

“I’ve never planned to go unarmed, Dean.”

“What about back up?” Dean glances over Sam for a while who is trying to look like he’s reading the ingredients and not listening to our conversation – which is, of course, impossible.

“I would handle it, Dean.” I reply calmly.

Dean’s eyes narrow even more and he grabs me by the shoulder leading me to another room. He’s not saying anything as he is leading me downstairs to me well known practise range.

“Dean,” I say as we finally stop in front of one of the firing stand points. “What are we doing here?”

“Show me how you don’t need any back up,” Dean says sternly as he is handing me a loaded gun.

“Dean,” I start but Dean snaps me.

“Just shoot, ok?”

I sigh and aim the gun on the target. We’ve been practising this many times during those long days here in bunker, but I have never been very good in this. I was always better in short range fight with blades. I am trying to aim as well as I can but still when I shoot three out of five bullets miss the target completely.

“I thought so,” Dean murmurs to himself as he’s taking a gun from me placing it aside.

“What are you thinking, Cas? You want to get yourself killed?”

I’m avoiding Dean’s stare. Of course I don’t want to die – or am I? I don’t know anymore. It all seems so pointless and impossible.

“No,” I say quietly, looking down on my shoes.

“So what is it then? Why don’t you let me help you, dammit?” Dean demands.

“Because,” I sigh heavily not knowing how to explain it to Dean. “Because I don’t want to hold you back.”

“What?” Dean breathes out.

“I am just a burden since you’ve found me back in that bistro. I don’t know to shoot properly, I don’t know to heal, I have no power at all. I am completely useless for you. And I’m just holding you back. I believe it would be better if I leave, no matter how it would end up for me.”

“Cas, look at me,” Dean demands and I can’t help but look up at the urgency of Dean’s voice. I meet with his gaze and I see that everlasting devotion in it. Even through our ups and downs he never stopped believing in me – though he would never admit it out loud.

“I thought we’ve already been through this shit, Cas,” Dean says a bit softer as he would probably want to. “I told you, you will never be a burden to us. You are family. And family don’t get left behind.”

I nod in understanding and linger on Dean’s gaze for a while. Dean however turns quickly and pats me on the shoulder as he’s passing by: “May we go now to get that stupid stuff for spell?”

I make a little half-smile as I turn and follow Dean upstairs. I am lucky to have friends like Winchesters. They may be over protective and they may have a sick unnatural bond between them. But for those who really know them know what it truly is. It’s love. As simple as it sounds. Love to each other, love to their sibling, love to family which don’t end with blood. And I don’t really blame them for the things they have done for each other – for the things they have done for me. No one would fully understand if they’ve never been on their place. They lead the live no one else would want, they’re doing the job no one would ever pay them for or thank them for. They have no one else just themselves. Everyone they’ve ever loved died cruel and horrible death. They’ve saved the world some many times and almost nobody knows it. They are real unsung heroes of this world. And still, they have nothing. No family, no friends, no glory and no fame. They just hold on to what they have left. They hold on to each other.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        It is almost sunset and we still don’t have about half of ingredients. It is much harder to get them than I thought. Plus I have this weird feeling creeping up my spine that someone is watching us since we left the bunker. I mentioned it to Dean and my worries only grew wider as it turned out he shares my suspicion. Someone is definitely following us. And I don’t think it will be a friend.

        We decided to make a trap for unwelcomed stranger so we got into the narrow alley pretending we are going to get another ingredient. I am left behind pretending to wait for our supplier and Dean is acting like he forgot something in Impala. He sneaked out of the alley on the other side planning to run it around to catch the enemy when he’ll attack me. It is very simple and transparent plan but we hope it will work. We can’t do anything else truthfully and we can’t go back to bunker either in case someone is really following us.

        As it turns out our suspicion isn’t mistaken. There really was someone following us. And now the dark silhouette of a tall man is approaching me in the dark alley. Fear is tightening my stomach as the figure is coming closer and closer, the angel blade shining in his hand. Before I can see him fully the shot sounded from behind and the figure falls down to ground wounded. I look up and see Dean aiming a gun with angel bullets on the dark figure, prepared to fire the final shot.

“Dean, wait,” I shout on him, not really sure why. But I feel like I know the person lying on the ground curling up in pain.

“Castiel,” the figure gives out a weak moan.

I’m approaching the figure unsurely not wanting to believe my ears. It can’t be. He fell.

“Cas, be careful,” I hear Dean shouting at me as he is still aiming the gun at the angel on the ground, just in case.

I glance over Dean to ensure him I will be alright and I look back down at the figure on the ground. I approach him close enough to recognise his features and I can’t believe my eyes. It is really him.

“Abel,” I exclaim.


	7. Renewed shall be blade that was broken

 

        “Abel, is that you?” I can’t believe my own eyes as I am approaching the fellow angel sitting on the ground, leaning against the cold wall and pressing his wounded arm.

“Castiel,” he breathes out heavily, grunting at the pain the wound is causing him. “We’re not safe here. We got to go.”

“You know this clown, Cas?” I hear Dean’s voice sounding from much shorter distance than before and when I look up I see Dean standing close to us, gun still prepared to be used if needed.

“Yes,” I answer truthfully. “He’s a friend. He saved my life after my fall.”

“Castiel,” Abel is not paying attention to Dean’s blunt comment. He’s trying to speak through the streams of blood he’s coughing up. “We need to hurry. We need to get back to that bunker of yours.”

“Whoa, wait right there, princess,” Dean bursts out hastily. “How long have you been following us?” he snaps accusingly.

Abel looks over Dean fully, first time since he shot him and says, pain visible on his face: “I’ve been... watching... Castiel... since we have met in the forest.”

“But I thought you were dead,” I say still not believing my eyes at the sight of my friend relatively fine.

“I’ve managed to kill those two angels back there,” Abel says towards me and then he turns to Dean: “I’ve been following Castiel since then... watching over him.”

“Have you?” Dean narrows his eyes. “Something like his guardian angel, huh?” he says mockingly.

“You can put it that way, yes.” Abel replies solemnly.

“Well crappy job back in Kearny, Abbie.” Dean smirks sarcastically again.

Abel frowns a bit and glares at Dean: “There were four of them. I have managed to get rid of two angels back there. And since I’ve seen you were there... I’ve assumed Castiel would be fine.” he says strictly, never leaving his hard gaze from Dean.

He then turns his gaze back to me, softening it and says urgently: “Castiel. There are more of us here. We need to get going if you don’t want to be attacked.”

“And you expect we will lead you to our unconquerable bunker just from the goodness of our hearts, don’t you?” Dean never lets me to reply.

“Dean,” I say, voice love and solemn. “May I speak with you for a moment?” I ask not really waiting for an answer as I’m grabbing Dean by his sleeve and dragging him farther from Abel.

“Why don’t you trust him, Dean?” I ask piercing Dean with my most intense stare.

“Why?” Dean huffs, returning me the uncomfortable gaze. “Because he’s an angel. And angels are dicks.”

My heart aches a bit at the choice of Dean’s words. “You know I was one of them too, not that long ago.”

“That’s different, Cas. And you know it.” Dean exclaims.

“How?” I narrow my eyes.

“Well, you know. It’s you, Cas. You are one of us.”

I sigh in defeat. This is pointless. Fights with Dean were always quite pointless. He would always do whatever he wants – and frankly? Same goes for me.

“Dean,” I say, my voice less angry than before. “Do you trust me?”

Dean frowns and says: “Of course I do, Cas. Why...?”

“Then trust me in this too. I guarantee Abel is on our side.”

Dean frowns again and glances over to Abel who’s still leaning against the wall pressing a hand against his wounded arm, breathing heavily.

“He really saved you?” Dean asks glancing back at me.

“Twice,” I nod.

Dean sighs and nods too. “Ok, then. Let’s get going.”

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        “So how’s Abs doing?” Dean asks approaching me and sitting in front of me at the table, taking one of the books and starting to look over it.

“He’s fine. His wound is healing quite quickly. He should be well again soon.” I reply looking up from the book I’m reading.

“So, what now?” Dean asks not looking away from his book.

“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “We still didn’t translate last few crucial ingredients and we still don’t have all of the known ones.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dean finally looks up from the book and sighs. “And what about you? You planning to stay?”

I narrow my eyes a bit and furrow my eyebrows. I could have known Dean would figure out my next step. He would always do.

“I don’t know, Dean. Abel’s grace is drawing too much attention to this place. And we can’t risk other angels to discover this place. Not now, when we are going somewhere. When we are drawing near to our goal.”

Dean nods in understanding looking straight into my eyes. I know he understands. Deep down he does.

“Just don’t forget on us, ok?” Dean smiles a bit and I reciprocate his smile. We stare in each other eyes for yet longer when Sam’s voice interrupts us along with his hasty footsteps:

“Hey guys, I’ve got it!”

We look his way and see Sam approaching us with pile of books and notes.

“What is it?” I ask furrowing.

“I’ve translated last ingredients.” Sam says triumphantly.

He starts to read us the list out loud. Most of it is not that hard to get actually. Before the end, however, Sam falters and clears his throat.

“What is it?” Dean snaps his head up.

“Ehm, it’s the last ingredient. It’s somehow, hard to get I guess.” Sam says unsurely.  
I frown a bit. “There are many hard to get ingredients. How is this one different?” I ask.

“It is...” Sam starts but is interrupted by another voice: “You need another angel to give up his grace for you.”

We all turn our heads to the sound of the voice and we see Abel standing in the doorway slightly leaning over the door’s frame for support.

“Is he... serious?” Dean asks turning his gaze back to Sam.

Sam nods inaudibly, glancing at me sympathetically.

And in this moment all my faith vanishes. Everything’s coming crushing down at me and I am left to fumble in the dark. All my hopes are destroyed by this one sentence. How could we find an angel willing to lose his grace... even though to his kin’s profit.

Suddenly I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder and I look up expecting to see one’s green eyes. Instead of them I meet with two soft grey ones and a slight smile spread across tired face of my long years of fighting worn out brother.

“Abel?” I say almost inaudibly as I frown.

Abel just nods, the soft smile never leaving his face. “You don’t need to lose your faith, brother. You still have chance to do it.”

My eyes widen in understanding and I shake my head desperately. “No, Abel. You can’t...”

“Oh I can,” his eyes are even softer now. “Look, Castiel. I have been through much, I have lived through many lifetimes, more than you have. And I am tired of it all. I am tired of constant orders and fighting and... the war. I’ve spend few last months here on Earth, unwillingly though. But I must say, I think I will like it here. I think, I am prepared to... retire? Is it what people use to call it?”

I nod and a small smile creeps on my face.

“I still can’t ask this from you, brother,” I keep insisting on my point of view. “We will find another angel. We will make him to give up his grace.”

“You can’t,” Abel corrects me.

“Why?” I narrow my eyes.

I hear Sam clears his throat and says: “It is said, the surrender of one’s grace must be volunteered and willing.”

“Like sacrifice?” I ask quietly.

“Like sacrifice,” Abel nods, still smiling.

I don’t want to do this, not like this. But we have no other choice. If we want this to be over, if we want to get angels back to Heaven, there is no other way. I finally give in and nod.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        “You sure about this, Cas?” Dean asks me one last time as we are packed and prepared to leave.

I close my eyes and nod slowly. “Yes, Dean. This is our only chance. We can’t risk messing it up.”

Dean sighs and nods. He turns to Abel who’s standing next to me and holds out his hand. Abel accepts it and shakes it firmly. “Keep an eye on him, ok?” Dean says glancing over me.

“Don’t worry, Dean. I will.” Abel nods.

“Don’t forget to call if you’ll be in any trouble.” Sam adds from behind Dean’s back and I give him a small smile.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Me and Abel has been hiding in various places for about few weeks searching for rest of ingredients. Of course we have encountered many angelic activity along our way, some friendly, some not so much, but I still think it is more safe here than back in bunker. Not so for us as for Sam and Dean. Abel’s grace will not draw other angels to bunker and we will not be that suspicious with our plan.

Still it takes us few more weeks to get all the ingredients we need and we need to be extra careful not to get exposed as we don’t know what fractions has already been formed between various angels and we can’t know if any of them aren’t working with Metatron.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        “What’s taking them so long?” Abel asks, impatiently shuffling around the old church.

“Dean said they will be here any minute.” I reply looking over the altar with prepared ingredients. Sam and Dean are supposed to bring us the last ingredient for a while and then we will be able to proceed with the spell to get my grace back. And Abel will become human instead of me. I sigh heavily and turn to face Abel who’s still pacing around the old dusty floor.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Abel stops and looks at me. “Cas,” he says softly and I flinch a bit at the nickname. I am not used to hear it from someone else than Dean or Sam. “I’ve already decided. And you can’t change my decision, brother. I’m doing it for you, for all of us. Trust me, I’ll be fine.”

I lower my eyes and nod almost unnoticeable. A loud noise suddenly interrupts the silence which lay on us as the door to the church opens and there are three low grade demons along with two angels.

“Huh,” Abel huffs. “Since when the angels work with demons, anyway?” he raises his eyebrows.

“Guess it’s this kind of universe now, brother,” the taller angel speaks fawningly.

Me and Abel draw our angel blades as we see our enemies approaching us. We are completely overrun but we will not stand down without a fight. I see Abel attacks one of the angels who has successfully ducked his planned blow. I am approaching one of the demons and flinching in front of his punch as I stab him with one well aimed thrust. He is immediately dead but I am caught a bit unprepared as one of the other two demons throws me across the room with a little help of his demon power. I hit the altar painfully and I’m sliding down to the floor, back pined to the cold marble stone behind me. The demon is approaching me ready to finish the job but Abel stabs him from behind and he lights up as Christmas tree, his growls slowly dying away with him. The other demon, probably more powerful than the other two, however, throws Abel against the opposite wall and leave him linger there, struggling, as the angel is approaching him, angel blade prepared in his hand. The other one is approaching me, ready to perform whatever orders the taller angel will get him. For his misfortune, he didn’t notice I still hold and angel blade behind my back. I gather my strength and as quickly as I am able to I stand up and throw the angel blade at my brother, hitting him right in the heart. Taller angel averts his gaze from Abel and snaps to me, sending me a hard gaze and a low growl. Last standing demon uses his power to pin also me down to the altar and I grunt as my back hit the cold stone again.  
“I will deal with you later,” tall angel snaps at me. Then he returns his gaze back to Abel and approaches him.  

“You shouldn’t help the traitor, Abel,” his voice more of a whisper but it still sends chill through my spine. “You should have been wiser than that.”

The angel is already next to Abel when somebody stabs the remaining demon from behind and angel is caught unguard, eyes wide opened, looking at the gun pointing at his forehead.  
“Say your prayers, wing ass,” Dean smirks as he pushes the trigger and the angel is falling down, his body completely motionless.

Sam is standing over demon’s body, wiping away demon blood from the blade of his knife.

“You ok, there?” he asks then, hurrying towards me, helping me up.

I nod as I hear Dean saying: “Hope we’re not too late for the party.”

I look his direction and see him helping up Abel, who stumbled as he fell from the wall when the power of demon stopped its affect.

“No, you are quite in time,” Abel says nodding towards Dean as a gesture of thankfulness as he is standing on his own two feet again.

“You have it?” I urgently ask Sam as I remember why we are here.

“Yes, we do.” Sam says pulling out the small sachet of powder from his jacket.

“Good,” I take it from him. “We should not waste anymore time. There can be more of them here.”

Everybody nods in agreement and me and Abel walk over the altar to set the final preparations. I look at Abel one last time to assure he still didn’t change his mind. I don’t wish to do this, but we have no other choice. Abel nods in understanding and agreement and sends me one of his slight warm smiles. “Don’t forget to write, brother,” he jokes to ease the atmosphere but I have hardly the mood to laugh. I smile back however and then turn my gaze to Sam.

“Sam. Do you have the spell?”

“Oh, yes.” Sam says digging in his pockets to extract the scrappy paper out of it. He is about to hand it to me when another unwelcomed, very familiar voice sounds from the door.

“I don’t think that will be necessary, Castiel.”

We all turn pale as we face the door and our new short woollen cardigan clothed companion.

 


	8. Crownless again shall be king

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. I didn't even dream last year at this point that Metarton would be such a douchebag! So I wrote it as I thought it might end. And if you ask me, this is still million times better ending that that bullshit they did :-/ But at least we have another season, huh?

 

        I tighten my grip on angel blade as I see with the corner of my eye others do the same with their weapons. We don’t have a chance against him, but that doesn’t mean we won’t at least try.

“I don’t think weapons will be necessary here,” the small angel says and in the blink of an eye all our weapons are laying in front of his feet.

“What do you want, Metatron?” I practically growl at him, trying to keep my attitude though all of us know this is a lost call.

“I came here to talk.”

“I will not let you to poison my mind any longer, Metatron,” I reply with intense deadly stare aimed on the other angel.

Metatron sighs heavily and throws his hands in defeat. “Look, Castiel. I don’t intend to hurt you. Any of you, actually,” he glances over everyone in the room.

“I’ve been thinking a lot. Truthfully, I have had too much time to think since, since the angels left the Heaven.”

“Really? Now you gonna all boo-hoo how lonely you are?” Dean can’t help but sent a sarcastic note towards Metatron. And I can’t help but smirk a bit on that note.

“Well, I wouldn’t put it this way... but yes.” Metatron sounds like Dean hit the weak spot and he lowers his head.

“You know,” he continues, “I thought I would be happy when I’ll get my revenge. I thought... I thought I would have all Heaven just for me and I would be content. But...,” his voice trails off.

“It gets lonely after a while, doesn’t it?” Abel says, his cautious stare never leaving Metatron.

“Yes,” Metatron admits. “I mean. It’s not like you have much to do in Heaven when you are all alone there. Not that it would be any more fun with others. But at least I was able to talk to them, listen to them, to their stories. Now, now I am all alone without anyone to talk to, to listen to. And I want to hear their stories, their adventures, their experiences.”

“Is that so?” Dean says again. “Try the story of a fallen angel who didn’t want nothing more only to bring his kin back home, but he can’t cause you made him freaking human. And he is hunted and has price on his head only because of you. Because you tricked him when he was at his lowest, when he wanted to do something right finally, after everything what went wrong. When he wanted to make amends for his past acts. He wanted to do the right thing and you have used him. Used him like a toy and then threw him away like a spoiled child. Cas’ only mistake was loving humanity too much. One would think all angels should do that, you know.”

The silence spreads trough the church as we’re all contemplating Dean’s words.

“Yes, you are probably right,” Metatron says finally. “That’s why I came here for. To fix my mistakes. To make amends.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” I ask suspiciously as I have no intentions of trusting Metatron again.

“I came here to give up my grace for you, Castiel,” Metatron says slowly. “So you can fix Heaven.”

Before I have a chance to say something Dean interrupts again: “Yeah. Like Cas here would believe your treacherous crap ever again.”

“I know you probably don’t trust me, but what can you lose?”

“What?” Dean gasps. “You can make it all worse for all we know. You can turn against us at the nick of a time. You can trick us again. You can make another of your precious spells and what do we know what will happen?”

“Castiel, please,” he turns to face me, his voice pleading. But I can’t bring myself to trust him again.

It couldn’t be worse after all, or could it be? But who knows what would happen. I can’t fight back very much right now, so...

“I don’t know,” I shake my head. “I mean. I would like to believe you, Metatron. It’s just, I can’t.”

“He’s telling the truth.” Abel says suddenly and all our attention turns to him. “I sense it,” Abel says. “I have read his mind. He saw everything we have done. He has known our plan all along.”

“Then why didn’t you act sooner?” Sam asks.

“I couldn’t. I’m not immortal and the fractions here are various. Not all angels like me. Actually, I would say they hate me even more than you, Castiel,” he says turning towards me again, “I wouldn’t be able to help you much. More likely, to ruin your plan as the angels would feel my grace and they would act immediately and smite us all.”

“Ok. Well, let’s say we believe you,” Dean interrupts again. You’ll give up your grace and then what? Will go to live in another cave of yours?”

“I guess I will do something like that. Buy a house maybe, purchase some books and finish the rest of my life as a human. After all, what could make a better story then a first-hand experience?”

“Abel, you really think we can trust him?” I ask Abel unsurely. He nods slightly, gaze not leaving Metatron. “And what about you? You said you’re tired of this all and that you want it to end.”

Abel locks his eyes with me for the first time since Metatron came and that slight smile of his makes his face softer again: “I wanted to help you in the first place, Castiel. If it means to stand by your side while you’ll be getting Heaven together, I will gladly do it. I would follow you to end, my brother.”

“Very well then.”

“We should get going. My grace is drawing attention. Although angels don’t have their wings now it doesn’t mean they don’t know how to transport. There could be any of them here any minute.” Metatron warns us. I only nod and make a swift move towards the altar where the ingredients are prepared.

                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        We are quite lucky as no angels not demons show up and we are already in the middle of procedure. Everything seems to go well but I still have doubts about Metatrons intentions. Maybe I am just over-thinking this too much. After all, you should not look the gifted horse on teeth, right? But I can’t get rid of the feeling he will try to trick as again.

Spell passes off without any unwanted disturbances and everything seems to be normal for now.

“Well, now what?” Dean asks as he sees we provided the spell and practically nothing changes. I feel the same feeling of doubts devouring him as was me just seconds ago.

“How do you fell, Cas?”

“I’m... I’m fine, I guess.” I reply unsurely.

“So you’re all majoed up again?” Dean insists his voice slightly concerned.

“Yes.” I reply simply.

“Great! So Cas here has his mojo back. Now what?” Dean’s features quite unreadable.

“I suggest you shall bring all the other angels back to Heaven and seal the gates behind them.” Metatron says from behind him.

“Yeah, because that is so freaking easy,” Dean turns to him and snaps angrily.

“Actually,” Metatron isn’t paying attention to Dean’s hateful attitude, “it is not that hard. You can find all the ingredients for the spell to bring back the angels in Heaven, Castiel.” he pauses a bit and sighs. “And I have left you there also instructions for the trials for closing the gates.”

Suddenly I feel a slight feeling of sadness in my heart, mixed with suspiciousness. I still don’t quite trust Metatron, but if he is telling the truth, this is the one and only chance to do it finally right.

I’m thinking about it for a while as I feel the weight of other’s stares on me. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to haste to another trap but there is nothing else to do. It’s either win it all or lose it all.

I look over the room only to see other’s looks as helpless as mine. But when I lay my eyes on Dean, there it is. The same mixture of sadness and uncertainty I feel. But after a short moment it changes. That flash of sadness is still there, but there is also determination and a decision. He nods slightly and I know what I am supposed to do.

“I’ll be back for a while,” I say, not averting my eyes from Dean as I spread my for him invisible wings and aim it right into the Heaven.

                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Metatron was speaking the truth. At least from this part. He really left me instructions for spell to bring back the angels, even the trials for closing the gates. Question is are they real or is it another of his moves? I really hope they are real, because I can’t handle another failure. I need to do this right. After a really long time, actually, since I have rebelled against Heaven, I finally feel I am able to do something really good, something worth it. As Dean once said to me: _“If there’s something to fight for, this is it.”_ And this really is it. I am willing to do anything for this, now, when I am so close to the end.

It will take some time to find all the ingredients and do the first spell but it will be only mere seconds back upon Earth. They would hardly notice I have ever been gone. I believe it is about time to finish this.

                                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        “That was fast, Cas.” Dean exclaims as I appear in the shabby church again.

“Did... everything went well?” Sam asks unsurely.

“I believe it is for Abel to say.” I say slowly and turn to my brother. “How are you feeling?”

Abel just smiles at me and says: “I think you have succeeded, Castiel.”

My eyes go wide in awe as Abel shows us his glorious majestic beautiful wings. The wings I thought would never see again. And here they are again, spreading across the dark room, slightly illuminated by Abel’s everlasting grace.

So Metatron was telling the truth after all. Now we need just close the gates of Heaven and maybe, just maybe we will be able to fix everything again.

“Not so fast, brother.” Abel says as he walks towards me and puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I believe you still have some unfinished business around here.”

I narrow my eyes a bit as I don’t quite comprehend what he means but when he nods towards still present Dean and Sam I understand suddenly.

“Metatron, is there any particular place you would like me to take you?” Abel turns towards Metatron, clearly wanting to leave us alone for this.

“Actually yes, I have something in mind,” Metatron says with peaceful and relaxed smile on his lips.

“I will be waiting for you at home,” Abel sends me his last words and after that he grabs Metatron by the shoulder and in the flash of a second they’re gone.

I stand there for a while, a weird tensed silence spreading the church as I flick my eyes between Sam and Dean. Sam finally makes a step closer and his soft footsteps cut into the so perfect silence. He moves towards me, a slight sad smile on his face, and he puts a hand on my shoulder and embraces me manly.

“Be careful up there, ok?” he says softly.

I just nod imperceptibly, not able to speak a word.

“Well,” Sam clears his throat, “I’m going to load the stuff in Impala.” he says and walks out of the church.

And suddenly there is only me and Dean standing opposite each other, both too shaken to speak first. A tensed silence lay on the church again only now it is more intensive and crushing.

“So, you’re gonna play sheriff again?” Dean finally speaks up, his eyes not leaving the ground.

“I don’t think so. I mean,” I sigh a bit trying to find the right words, “I don’t want to be God again. I can’t. After what I have done.” my voice trails off for a while. “Nobody should be playing God. There is only one God.”

“Yeah and he is a real jerk,” Dean murmurs.

“Dean,” I warn him.

“What?” he snaps and makes a full eye contact with me. “If there was any God he would not let this happen. I mean, why isn’t he going to show up finally and let everything back together? Why he lets you do his job.”

“You don’t know if he isn’t going to show up, as you said,” I correct him.

“And what if he won’t?” Dean snaps again. “What if... will they kill you?”

I flinch a bit at his words as the thought runs through my mind.

“I mean,” Dean says more quietly now. “You’ve done so much wrong to them. Although you always wanted to do the right thing. But they are dicks and you know it, Cas. They don’t understand the complexity of it all.”

“I don’t know, Dean,” I say honestly. “Maybe they will. But maybe me and Abel will be able to make things right again. I can’t know until I will not try it.”

“But,” Dean swallows hard trying to not let his voice brake, “will I ever see you again?”  
There is a moment of pause when I want to say yes, when I want to assure him he will, but frankly, I haven’t a slightest idea. I look down to ground as I am not able to meet Dean’s eyes when I will be saying this: “Probably no.”

Another pause and suddenly I am grabbed by the two strong arms and hugged tightly. I am a bit shocked for a while but that quickly fades away as I raise my hands and return Dean’s gesture with same intensity and urgency.

We stand there for what feels like eternity and eventually I feel the heat on my cheeks as the tears are streaming down my face. But I don’t mind them. I don’t mind anything at all. Because right now I don’t care about anything; about Heaven, about angels, about my home. It is just here and now for me right now.

“Goodbye, Dean,” I whisper as I spread my wings and slowly fly away, back to my home. As I am leaving the small church I can see Dean’s small figure standing there, his arms slouched, as he angrily wipes away the tears intruding his eyes. He stays there yet a long time and if nothing else I know one thing. I may be coming back home, but I’m leaving my real family behind.

~ Finito ~

**Author's Note:**

> Also, if you wondered how I came up with the names of other angels, here you go:  
> http://www.angels365.com/angelinfo.asp?ID=526&Submit=View+Details  
> http://www.angels365.com/angelinfo.asp?ID=390&Submit=View+Details


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